My r/l ramblings

I haven’t written in a long time in here…for many reasons…i have been so busy that i just havent had too much time for this and it always seems like i get in here to complain…well i decided that maybe this will help me work through some of my feelings…

I am really confused particularly lately…i feel like things are missing between me and Joe…like we are losing our connection…i made a comment the other day about feeling like we never did anything together…when i want to have fun…i go out with friends…when he wants to have fun he goes out of town…but when i said this to him…he said that we went to Zion together…well that was in November and it wasnt like it was just the two of us or just our family…other people went with us…it feels like we use each other as sounding boards for our problems…we share many of the same problems…and we share kids…that is about it lately…we are losing our connection…the thing i used to prize so much is flitting away…

I am not saying this is Joe’s fault…cuz it isnt…I am afraid that there is so much that we are missing in our lives…things that we want for ourselves…things we want for our family…we dont just have fun anymore together and this was one thing we used to always do…but now it feels like we only deal with problems together…it sometimes feels like we are falling apart and i am so scared that we are losing each other…you still say you and me together forever…but it feels like we are moving away from that…like we are only together because it is what is convenient…not because we cant help but be together…

Lately my need for SL is getting stronger and i try to block out more and more rl…i use it as a way to escape all the problems that we are facing everyday…and just so that i dont have to think about all of this and deal with it…i can pretend that none of it is really happening or that it is all just in my head…i spend all weekend in SL…i get on sl in the mornings and in the evenings…any time i am not working or sleeping i am there…i hate confrontation…so i can just hide my head in the sand and forget…

You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel
That I’m losing my best friend
I can’t believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you’re letting go
And if it’s real
Well I don’t want to know

Don’t speak
I know just what you’re saying
So please stop explaining
Don’t tell me cause it hurts
Don’t speak
I know what you’re thinking
I don’t need your reasons
Don’t tell me cause it hurts

Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry

Don’t speak
I know just what you’re saying
So please stop explaining
Don’t tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don’t speak
I know what you’re thinking
I don’t need your reasons
Don’t tell me cause it hurts

It’s all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are…
You and me I can see us dying…are we?

Don’t speak
I know just what you’re saying
So please stop explaining
Don’t tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don’t speak
I know what you’re thinking
I don’t need your reasons
Don’t tell me cause it hurts
Don’t tell me cause it hurts!
I know what you’re saying
So please stop explaining

Don’t speak,
don’t speak,
don’t speak,
oh I know what you’re thinking
And I don’t need your reasons
I know you’re good,
I know you’re good,
I know you’re real good
Oh, la la la la la la La la la la la la
Don’t, Don’t, uh-huh Hush, hush darlin’
Hush, hush darlin’ Hush, hush
don’t tell me tell me cause it hurts
Hush, hush darlin’ Hush, hush darlin’
Hush, hush don’t tell me tell me cause it hurts

Our lives are settling into a nice routine…i get the kids up and around in the morning while he leaves for work…i drop them off at school…go to work…he picks them up and makes dinner…i come home…we all eat together…it is very nice…i am starting to get out a lil and make friends…we are getting along…life is definitely getting better…i reallized that my last couple of posts have been kinda depressing…i wnated to say that i ma not really sad anymore…life isnt perfect but it is good…routine isnt bad…it can really help…it has helped us settle into this new environment…i think he is so busy with teaching and reading that he doesnt have as much time to focus on what he thinks he is missing and i am so busy that i am not feeling lonely…this is working for us…i love him very much and want us both to be happy and we are now to the point where i think we are both content…

Love yas…

Sometimes I wonder what is left for shakes and me…we say we will be just friends but we cant seem to hold that boundry…instead we teeter…what is the difference between your best friend and your partner?  i am not sure…i figured it had to do with sexual stuff and monogamy…but i am not sure…i know that right now my heart feels so fragile…i dont wanna feel sad or lonely…i just do…i feel like i am constantly getting my hopes and expectations up…i expect and want too much from shakes…more than he can give me…and then i end up hurt…so hurt and confused and down on him and myself…and it all feels like this never ending cycle…i stop feeling hurt…my hopes go back up and then are again crushed…so where do we go from here…i dont know how to make this better…i wanna be there for shakes…i wanna be his best friend…but i need for my own sanity…to find a way to find our happy place…or atleast a place where we can both be comfortable…

i read this book called “my husband is gay”…it made me realize how many women have or are going through the same things as me…just wish i knew some of them…but there was something in one of the chapters talking about how when a husband comes out to his wife…he is not really coming out of the closet with her…he is just taking her back into the closet with him…this made sooo much sense to me…because now we are both keeping his secret together…i am lying to co-workers about who the guys are that are staying with us…because i cant tell the truth and when we are hanging out and sex comes up…”atleast you get some…cuz you are married”  i wanna be like yeah right…do you know when the last time i felt desired after was…i dont either…instead i smile and nod and it hurts a lil inside…i am not sure where i am going with this…dont know much…it is just feelings on paper…or a screen…whichever  *sighs*  love yas

Wow…been so busy…havent had much time to blog about anything really…well lets see…i really love my job…but it is extremely tiring…there is so much to do everyday and there is no possible way that i am going to get it all done…then there is everything else and that all comes down to one main feeling…

lonely..

Moving is hard…i left my family and friends all behind to move 2200 miles away…i dont have any real friends here…not that the people arent nice…just dont really know any real well yet…but the loneliest place of all is home…shakes is here…but mostly way too busy with sl or talking online to guys to talk to me…he has so much going on for him too…but i am soo busy all day…i just want someone to talk to…to vent with…to snuggle up with and make evrything feel alright and i guess i just dont have that anymore…i dont know what we have…i thought we were gonna be best friends but that doesnt seem to be happening…i dunno…i just want a friend…a person to cuddle me and hug me when i feel sad and so completely utterly alone…i wish i could find that…i feel like i only get on here to vent or to allow feelings out that i try so hard to keep hidden…there are so many days that i just cant completely keep them hidden and then that just makes me feel worse…cuz i am not trying to make anyone feel guilt or pity…that is not what i want…okay i got further out there than i wanted to…i just need to let a little out so that i wont explode…thanks for letting me go off a lil…love yas…

Hey everyone…I guess I haven’t written in here in awhile.  I finally found out what i will be teaching.  I got kindergarten….that means i will be teaching lots of cute little 5 and 6 year olds…i am really excited about all of this…i love children at this age and in my pre-internships that i have done..this age was my favorite…I am really happy right now…everything here seems to be falling in to place…

There are lots of questions that have still gone unanswered but i will deal with all of that later…i still have way too much going on right now…to focus on all of the unanswed questions about my marriage…so i will worry about all of that later when I get everything else settled…

I have been away from my babies for way too long…luckily they wil be here in a week…cuz i miss them soooo much…but we will be together again very soon and i will be sooooo happy…i dont think i can ever be away from them this long ever again…

Love ya all!!!

As the time for moving draws closer…there are more and more questions coming up…what to take…what not to take…how are we gonna split everything up…when am i gonna leave…who is gonna go with me…the biggest question that faces us right now is about our youngest daughter…shakes wants to keep her here with him and i want to take her with me…if shakes keeps her here she would be able to go to headstart and she wouldnt have to go to day care quite as much…but i would miss her so much…i havent been away from her for more than 2 weeks and that seemed like an eternity to me…i think shakes is a good dad…but i also think he is very busy here…and that she wont get all of the attention that she needs…i also know that shakes lil bro that is going to be living with him…doesnt want her around…that really bothers me and that shakes will want his bro to watch her and i dont really think he is responsible enough to do it…all of these things keep running through my head…and shakes seems to want to avoid my questions and concerns…i love my daughter and want what is best for her…i am trying to put aside my own need for her to look at what is best for her…we will have to try to talk about it more…

I have decided that i am moving with just my lil car and what i can fit in it with three people…i am hoping that i can find a couple of good yard sales when i get out there to fill up a small apartment…we will see what i can find…i just need enough to get us through for now…we can see about better stuff later…

*sighs* still so much to do and think about…i guess i should get something done…cya later

love ya

The last few months have been some of the most changing in my life…i found out my husband is gay…my sisters marriage fell apart…i graduated from college…got a job..and i am soon moving to california…it is still up in the air as to whether or not shakes is going to come with me…there is just so much that is going on…i havent had much of a chance to write for awhile in here…but i wanted to make a stop in to say a few things…i am so excited and nervous about moving and starting a new job…i am so overwhelmed by everything that there is to do to get ready for all of these things…and there is still so much up in the air…but i want to thank everyone for the support…shakes has been wonderful through most of this…his life is still so much up in the air..right now i am really glad that we have each other…i am particularly scared of the idea of moving across the country without knowing anyone all by myself…or well not alone but with just small children…that is so scary for me…i know that i will make it through all of this…i have lots of support and love that will follow me where ever i go…i will try to keep the nerves at bay and try to focus on the excitement that is running through me…thanks everyone for your support…love ya all…

Today was the official final day of college classes for me…yesterday was my last day in the classroom…it was so hard saying goodbye to my kids…i will miss them so much…they are great…i might not have been the best teacher ever…but i really enjoyed being with those kids…it was really a good experience…but now i am done…i am going to graduate…yippee!!!  I didnt think this day would ever come and now it just feels anticlimactic…but i am still really excited for it to be done….

I got a job last week…we are going to be moving to California…i am going to teach in an elementary school there…everything is moving so quickly…i feel at a loss in a way…i just dont know how we are going to do everything…i am starting to feel overwhelmed…it is like we move from one stress in life to anpther…but i am trying to take a few days to destress from it all…guess i can do that with mickey…he will help me…and minnie and donald and even goofy…i cant wait…so much going on in my world…so now i am just rambling…but i am done so….YIPPEE!!!!